Goodbye NYC

So hi…here I am typing into my notepad which is where most of my midnight thoughts end up. If you’re reading this it means those thoughts have found their way to be copy and pasted up on my internet corner of the world and I must admit I’m a little nervous. To start, I’m completely gutted and heartbroken to leave this place. But I am also relieved and ready. It’s hard to feel so many things all at once. It feels like a swirl in your heart and head. I think that is me in a nutshell, a battle between my heart and mind….with just about….everything. My heart tugging one way to stay and romanticize this place just a little longer. My head ready to guide me that it is time to move on. 

So what’s the deal? Joe’s new company decided to close their office space in NYC and relocate. After some time I made up my mind and knew it was time to move on and pull my head up into the sun again.  Sometimes you have to do what makes sense for your mental health, comfort, and partnership. It wasn’t peaches and cream to get to this decision but instead the thought of it was met with many *fights* and a flat out denial to accept reality. I tucked reality away and refused to talk about it…shutting down the conversation the moment it was brought up. The massive elephant in the room glared at me…except this big elephant held up packing tape and heartbreak. 

New York is the glamour that you see on TV – it’s the crazy sex in the city nights, the warm nights in from Friends, but it’s also not. It’s hard. It’s gut wrenching and it will chew you up and spit you out if you can’t keep up. If you want to read about the truth about “adulting” and change you can click here for that one. I refused to get lost in the shuffle and pace of it all. I had to really ground myself. I think if I had not had such a strong sense of self I could have easily gotten lost. While it was hard I also want to talk about all the good this city brought me. 

I love this city for so many reasons. It’s alive in so many ways – in the best and worst ways. With all the bad there is also the good. Here are all my reasons to love NYC if you want to read that too. 🙂

I stumbled into a new school and met coworkers who genuinely feel like family to me now. We cried, we laughed, we were there through every up and down and we were almost always covered in paint. I really learned about myself professionally. I met friends through my blogging world. I tried new things. I danced nights away. I popped champagne on rooftops. I enjoyed life’s little moments amongst the chaos and rush of the city. I appreciated the little things deeply. I started my YouTube channel. I hosted people. I entertained visitors. I moved in with my favorite person. I watched all the Harry Potter movies in a row. I now had a New York edge. I fell in love with all things vintage. I stayed out. I slept in. I ate SO many tacos. I saw Broadway shows that brought me to tears. I laughed until my stomach hurt at comedy shows. I let go of the past. I found quiet museum corners. I captured everything with the click of my camera as each corner felt like a treasured timeless shot and to sum it up that’s what New York felt like to me…simply timeless. 

COVID Thoughts

I think what I am most sad about is the great loss that I feel and have felt for all of COVID. To admit that this city is still alive, vibrant and normal is naive and a lie. You pay an arm and a leg to live in a shoe box apartment because you get to live in this amazing and adventurous city. Suddenly with COVID, the magic ran out and reality set in as I lugged my trader joes groceries 10 blocks home wishing I had a warm car to carry it all. Many people have left to make the changes they so needed in their lives. I feel not only the loss of normalcy but also the loss of my social life. I admit, I’m not a fluttering social butterfly. I’m not really a big drinker or stay out until 4AM kinda gal. On the weekends after a long work week I enjoy alone time and a good movie and then maybe on a Saturday night you could get me out and actually in makeup. But now knowing that alone time and a good movie was all I was working with felt isolating and paralyzing. Many people feel comfortable hanging out with big groups and sitting down at indoor spaces. For me, that just isn’t a “new normal” I’m comfortable with, especially as an “in person” teacher. My decisions impact a room of children and their families. I’m paralyzed thinking I could get someone sick or even get sick myself. My mind runs a mile a minute thinking “What did I touch?” “Did I wash my hands before I just rubbed my eye?” “Who has that person been around?” “What are the long term effects?” This feeling leaves me uncomfortable to socialize even in this new normal. So here I am in a city that is on the brink of being shut down not being able to see the people I love, not being able to soak up every experience and adventure and honestly feeling a little anxious. It feels as if the magic has been pulled out and every ugly feeling amplified even more with the loss of all the good ones. What we see on social media is not real life in NYC or really anywhere for that matter. It feels like people pulling out a piece of trash covering it in glitter and calling it amazing and wondering why you don’t think so too. Life is just not the same and that feels heavy because we all know what our lives should look like right now but here we are living in something else with so much uncertainty. I’m a “ughhh how much longer!?” kind of person. If I know how much longer I will be stuck in a car or holding a plank I know I can push through it because there is an end to the pain and uncomfortable feeling. But this….when will this end? When will normal return? So with that, I feel as if it really is the right moment to leave. They say the tough stick it out in New York and it truly is New York or no where but with this opportunity to leave – it seemed like a no brainer…even if I did put up a good fight. 

Closing Chapters

I’m sentimental. I can’t close a chapter and not mourn. Leaving Boston for here felt like my heart had been pulled and stomped on. I’m rambling now but I just want to be raw and real. I am afraid. I get attached and find myself wanting one more sentence in the chapter…one more line to hold onto. But there is nothing left. There is nothing more but a new chapter that waits. I want to stay in a comfortable place. I want to know my way around. I want the barista to say hello and start to make my order upon seeing my red hair. I want to know the subway like the back of my hand. I want to feel at home. I want to feel grounded. I know the challenge of change because I have felt it but I don’t want to push through the pain time and time again. Starting over is hard, letting go is hard, and longing for something far gone is hard. Often when I write this way it’s in the hidden pages of my journals because I don’t want to appear negative or sad. But I think what makes us human is connecting through vulnerability and shared experiences. I’m sad but happy, scared but excited, holding on but letting go and THAT feels weird. 

If you’ve read this far and you’re going through something that feels like a wrench tossed into your life plan – I see you and I’m right there with you and we’re going to be okay. I believe that we end up where we need to be surrounded by the people who are meant for us. We must follow our heart but keep the whisper of our mind close by. We must go where we feel alive. We must accept change with an open heart so we can love and live fully. So cheers to an absolutely crazy, messy, wild and beautiful ride that was New York City. I can’t wait to come back and see a Broadway show, have dinner and drinks at old spots, walk through the park and visit this chapter again from my new one. I hope every beautiful corner will still be there just as I had remembered it. From this experience I have learned so much but the number one thing I have learned is that home is not a place. Home is anywhere on the Earth with the people you love. Cheers to the one and only NYC and new chapters!! 

Always,

Madison